it happened again last night, heard him in my dreams again
wakefulness greeted me with the memory
of his vacant eyes, fixed upon the ceiling above
and I’m studying the star-shaped tattoo on his chest,
chanting his name over and over in my head again
sorry I haven’t been home in a couple days,
it’s difficult to breathe with punctured lungs
don’t want to know who they are,
just how they died, in the bedroom
simultaneously but on opposite sides
a fight? Romeo and Juliet committing suicides?
need to study for my Spanish exam
but I can’t forget the animal scream
the daughter made–she was about my age–
like the pack of coyotes howling outside my window in Plainwell
close my eyes and make it disappear,
but this noise exists on the inside, flashing red and whites
you pull me close at night, bodies packed
tight on your twin-sized
feel the waistband of your underwear
and recall the dead man once again, again
you were right there with me the whole
time; I envy the sound of your snores
sleep kissing your lips to drown you in her peaceful embrace
I’m slipping out of your grip to sit
in the living room, alone
waking up on the couch, eyes wet again
don’t want to remember why you roused me
the other night, tears falling down my cheeks
body trembling in my sleep, whimpering
I heard her animal screams; oh, I envy your snores
alone in the living room and upset once more
so I turn up the music, the synthetic noise
hope, the eyes of the dead pass like weather
I’ve never been very good at predicting the future
they say the dead come in three’s,
but this past week, I’ve had four in a row
I know it doesn’t matter
it’s just so hard, the next day, to sit
in a classroom, my body aching from doing compressions
while I’m surrounded by children on all sides,
the ones who spend their precious time
flirting at soccer games, making jokes
only academics would get; I’m so sick
swallowing my own tongue because it’s safer that way
“look to the living, disregard the dead,”
nobody ever said; it happened again last night
algae blooms of dead bodies exploding in my head
so I untangle my limbs from yours, gravitate
towards the living room, where I sit, alone
burying face in hands
it’s happening again
Just Thoughts 