my mother wonders why I am never home
and my love is never quite certain why I’ve gone mute
and my sisters keep telling me they miss me
and I can’t look them in the eyes anymore
can’t tell fanciful and fantastic lies anymore
.
went to meeting today
discussed plastic bags and pillow cases
you know, important, life-saving shit
across the way,
I study her face
her hair looks different than normal
are her eyes swollen from crying?
I hear myself smiling
those old muscles rigid from disuse
she returns the gesture
and I wonder if she blames
me for that night, hands tied
playing God, botching life and death
I avert my gaze
to examine his face
his hands folded atop the table with grace
I like observing him, when he’s not looking
pretend he’s a different person
images of him in uniform clashing
colliding with configurations of his body
from the other night, eyes rolling back
into his skull, all the kisses I planted on his face
someday they’ll grow into weeds
I wonder if it’s me he blames
averting my gaze, diverting my words
I can’t give him what he needs, you know
so I get quiet and later, apologize
he claims it’s alright, the silence
but I know better by now
everyone throws blame somewhere
the target on my back makes it all too easy
.
my mother wonders why I am never home
and my love is never quite certain why I’ve gone mute
and my sisters keep telling me they miss me
so I tell them what they don’t want to hear
that I’ve discovered I’m human after all
Just Thoughts 