Because I love her
hands clasped, compressions on his chest
counting to thirty under my breath
as my partner cut through the fabric of his buttoned shirt
thirteen year old told me last week
“I want to die every single day!”
and I thought immediately,
I want to die every other day
life is a competition, right?
looked at her grimace but couldn’t tell her
“It gets better.”
at least I’m not in last place
Because I love her
around his mouth, fingers sealing the pocket mask
commanding, demanding firefighters to find
the airway adjuncts for a cardiac arrest
she slid from the mirror, a sort of reflection
bruised flesh and crimson lips
gripped cold hands around my throat
by the ankles, hung me upside down
over the bathtub, faucet on high
“Love,” she pressed wet lips to my ear,
“you’ll feel everything.”
and the water level rose above my nose
this is drowning on the inside
Because I love her
didn’t hesitate to slide the #4 sized King
down his throat, no pulse
her mother screamed for mercy from the couch beside me
drink 30oz of coffee at midnight
these ghosts dig their claws through bone
and I just want to be alone
but he holds me close
breath blistering my flesh
I stare at his ceiling and pretend
I’m alright; I won’t cry this time
lips tracing my neck, I feel nothing inside
I’m alright; I won’t break down this time
eyes closed and I’m remembering again
Because I love her
paramedic calls time of death
setting my equipment aside, taking a breath
adjusting the glasses on his face, knowing he isn’t alive
restless, I visit July twenty-seven often
how we plunged lawn chairs in lake water
sitting, laughing, lounging peacefully all afternoon
that was the last time I saw me
after, I wore those sunburns
like badges of honor until skin peeled and fell and
we fractured into you and me, living separately
even so, the memory of July twenty-seven is safety
Because I love her
headlights in the driveway at night
holding her longer than the others
constricted throat, didn’t know what to say
he can fill me from toes to ears
but no love can erase
the place behind my eyes,
squeezing her warm body tight and wondering
if she’s okay, maybe I can be too?
no, my love, it’s not sadness
this thing coiling around my throat
spreading roots throughout my bodily tissue
like persistent weeds, this parasitic thing
a product of practicing emergency medicine
no, my love, it’s called defeat
Because I love her
driving to work the next day
catching myself wondering through agony
if she’s okay, maybe I can be too?
I haven’t spoken a word in months
saturated with syllables from other mouths
tension between friends, enemies, memories
suffocating the ability to be me
confess in ink what no one will ever read
so I’ll do paperwork to stay occupied
and I won’t think about those who’ve died
and I won’t drink bottles of wine each night
and I won’t sit in parking lots to cry
Because I love her
my shattered, splintered spirit
doesn’t matter
I did what I could to save her stepfather
Just Thoughts 